Today
Men, Affairs, Sex and Romance Addiction: Friends, We Have to Talk Here!
by Jed Diamond
Posted April 10, 2006 11:00 AM
Posted April 10, 2006 11:00 AM
Posted in
I get e-mails everyday from men and women who are concerned about their relationships. Recent letters include the following: “We’ve been married for 22 years and as far as I know our relationship has been good. But lately I’ve begun to worry that my husband is having an affair. He makes a lot of phone calls to a woman at work. He says they’re just friends. I want to trust him, but I’m not sure. What do I do?”
Ever since our last child left home, our sex life has gone down hill. My wife just doesn’t seem interested anymore. I’m tired of being the one who is always “asking for sex.” I love my wife, but I want to be with someone who wants sex, wants me.”
Every couple I know, gay or straight, have to deal with outside attractions. How do people deal with these issues? When does attraction cross the line into an affair? Can affairs lead to sex and romance addiction? We need to talk.
In 1987 I wrote a book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions. It discussed topics that few people wanted to talk about. When do office friendships cross the line and become emotional affairs? How do emotional involvements become sexual? What happens when the “secret” is discovered? How do couples heal from the betrayal of trust that occurs with an affair? Is it more difficult to heal if the couple has been together for 20 or more years? Are the problems different for straight and gay couples? What happens if the affair doesn’t end, even when the person says they want to rebuild their marriage? Can people become addicted to emotional intrigue? Can sex become addictive? Do couples who stop having sex suffer from “sexual anorexia?”
In the book, I opened the discussion this way:
When we find that our romantic relationships are a series of disappointments yet continue to pursue them, we are looking for love in all the wrong places.
When we are overwhelmed by our physical attraction to a new person and are sure that this time we have found someone to complete us, we are looking for love in all the wrong places.
When we are in a committed relationship but find ourselves constantly attracted to others, we are looking for love in all the wrong places.
When we look for the emotional closeness, but find ourselves involved in emotional intrigue, we are looking for love in all the wrong places.
When we try and convince ourselves that “we’re just friends” when deep inside we know we’re trying to hook up, we’re looking for love in all the wrong places.
When we think an emotional affair isn’t really a betrayal because “we weren’t sexual,” we’re looking for love in all the wrong places.
When we use sex and romance to try and fill a hole in our emotional center, we are looking for love in all the wrong places.
When we stop having sex and convince ourselves that “it doesn’t really matter because we still care about each other,” we are looking for love in all the wrong places.
Nearly 20 years after I wrote the book, people still have great difficulty talking about these issues. The first step in healing is to break through the silence. So can we talk? There isn’t a woman or man out there who hasn’t dealt with these issues (or tried unsuccessfully to deny problems with sex, romance, and intimacy). I know I have. I spend years trying to sort out my confused feelings. I’m still trying to make sense of these issues in my life. What are your questions and concerns about sex, affairs, intimacy, and addiction? What would you like help with? What has been helpful for you?
Comments (126)
Have something to say? Share your thoughts.
Posted September 16, 2008 9:15 PM
I have been married for 17 1/2 years. I love my husband very much. When I was pregnant with our last child, he was becoming very close with his co-workers, a female co-worker in particular. He would always say he had to work late, sometimes not coming home at all. He would just say he slept at work. He was on salary, so there was no way I could prove he wasn't working, nor could I phone since the calls always went to an answering machine. He worked on the other side of the city, which was close to an hour away. I had three little ones at home and pregnant with our fourth/last. The closest family was 12 hours away. So, I just had to take his word for it. Other than my gut, the only thing I knew something was going on was his obnoxious attitude. I'm presuming he was thinking he could do no wrong. Then things started falling apart for him, he became mr. no-it-all at work and lost his job, got confronted by me & finally admitted it. I left him. He broke off all ties with his shady life, which apparently had taken place for the past two years..
I had moved back home. Uprooted the kids from everthing they had every known. He cried, and then followed.
So, here we are eight years later. Our youngest is now in grade 3, and he has been up to his old tricks. I know he loves me and the kids, I know he is a flirt. That is probably what attracted me to him in the first place. But I need help. I can't run anymore. I'm scared to confront him again.
He was emailed some pictures that I accidently opened. It was of him and a women in a compromising situation. They were kind of all over each other and were very drunk. Guess that makes it excusable? He doesn't know I saw these pictures, and deleted them when he thought I wasn't aware. Now here we go again. Am I what you would call a co-addict? I have joked with him about being addicted to attention or to sex, and after reading up a little on the subject, I realize it's not a joke. I truly believe his is a sex addicted! I don't know what to do. I love him. I have no place to run. I don't want family to know what's going on, they think we are the perfect family. And also the funny thing, is my husband is continuously purchasing new, expensive items. E.g.) harley davidson, new motor boat, new '08 vehicle. I don't understand why he would be making such outlandish purchases this past six months, if he wasn't planning on staying married to me. I am so confused. As I said earlier, I love him and our family so much. I need some advice. Sorry, I realize this is too long to post, but I need to get it out. Thanks.
Posted August 19, 2007 4:47 AM
I am engaged to be married to a man that I love more than anything in this world. We love to do the same things, have the same goals, and I adore his child. We started dating when he was going through his divorce and I stood by him through that shakey period in his life. In the beginning I was told his exwife cheated on him, was a terrible mother, and wife. Through many conversations, I have since found out that he cheated on his wife numerous times. This might be easier to take if not for the fact that all these women are still in his life and he calls them his friends. They live within a block of our home and he calls them the whores.
I find it hard to deal with and wish he had never been so honest with me about this matter. I have a lot of guy friends, but I haven't had sexual relationships with them. I wouldn't disrespect him by keeping in touch with these people. I may be wrong, but I feel like if you surround yourself with temptation then how can I trust you. I have made it very clear that the only thing that would ruin our relationship is him cheating. He tells me he has never cheated on me, but could have on numerous occasions and I would have never known. My feelings are if you love me so much, why do you put yourself in these situations. Why wouldn't you cut ties and try to be a better man for me and our family. If this is expecting too much, please let me know. Am I living in a dream world.
Posted August 19, 2007 9:48 PM
Insecure, in my opinion you are dreaming if you think this man will or has been faithful to you. The fact that you have men friends with whom you have not had sex has nothing to do with the man you are planning to marry. He is fueled by testosterone, has cheated numerous times on his WIFE and is in close proximity to several women with whom he has been and may still be sexual. Sorry, but wake up lady and see what is so obvious to anyone reading your story. You sound like a nice, loving, caring person and I hope you don't have your heart broken but I think you are headed for disaster.
Posted August 20, 2007 4:02 PM
Insecure,
As a therapist who has been working with men and women over the last 42 years, I've learned a few things:
1. Every relationship has its own dynamics.
2. Everyone has their own idea about what is right for someone else.
3. Though you need to listen to others you need to trust your own instincts.
4. Most couples need guidance these days about how to handle the various temptations that are available in the world around us.
5. We can't avoid the outside forces that pull us away from each other, but we can get clear about our own needs and see that they are met within the relationship if that is what you both want.
6. Sounds like you both could use some sessions with a good therpist.
Posted May 31, 2007 9:33 AM
To Earlene...the more you disclose about your marriage, the stranger it gets to me. I know people do it, but swinging is absurd to me. Asking for trouble..big time! I would be sick to my stomach if my husband suggested it. Then his life would be pure raging hell for as long as I felt like it.
I don't know what to say here. All I know is I would dump a bastard who was making it known he wants to do other women. That's not the kind of love I want. It's crude, vulgar, disrespectful, uncommited, ugly and disgusting to me. I've been down the cheater road with a BIG TIME player. Too much pain. Not worth it. No thanks.
Yet it seems like THAT isn't your worry...you aren't fretting about other women. You are only whining that he isn't doing YOU enough. I don't get it. I am not the one to offer you suggestions here.
Posted May 31, 2007 6:41 AM
if anyone wants to talk to me ,Mesage me on my yahoo id under the name of ladyrose70422.
Posted May 31, 2007 6:33 AM
jay has played around before this isn't the first time this has happened,
with him wanting to be with one of my female friend
Posted May 31, 2007 6:25 AM
Yes i do know Dusty and Mitch.They are suppose to be friends of ours.But now i begin to woder if they are my friends....
There has ben times that he has wanted to be swingers.But then if he s going to go out here and mess with someone else then he should be able to pay attention to my needs.....
Posted May 31, 2007 1:56 AM
Earlene.....do you KNOW Dusty and Mitch? In your real life? Are they a bit kinky? I mean doing her daughter? A threesome?
I'd print that conversation out...hand it to Jay (your husband?) and say, "What the hell is THIS CRAP??" Yep, that's what I'd do. That would also open the door to other questioning..."Is THIS why you are uninterested in sex lately??"
"No."
"Then what is it?"
ETC ETC ETC
Posted May 31, 2007 1:24 AM
Earlene, so sorry you are going through difficult times. Sounds like you have two concerns, possible infidelity by your husband puts you at health risk and lack of sexual compatibility. A healthy man in love should not have a problem making love a couple of times a day, not to brag but even after fifteen years of marriage I could still be passionate three times a day. Maybe he has a health or emotional problem? The possible infidelity is more serious in my opinion. Please confront him and take the guessing out of your relationship. Have you talked to him about your sexual and emotional needs?
Posted May 31, 2007 12:20 AM
ps: Earlene if you have only been married six years now is the time to confront this problem. One time is a mistake or an inappropriate way of acting out but more than once is a pattern and indicative of deeper problems either with him, the marriage or both. Either way, you will never have any peace if you do not address the problem and you should not wait until years and years have gone by. Trust me, having left a longterm marriage and my husband also, it is NOT a pleasant experience for ANYONE and is best avoided if possible.
Posted May 31, 2007 12:17 AM
Earlene that sounds like a fantasy to me but you do need to confront him because that sort of behavior is obviously very upsetting to you and unacceptable. You cannot not bottle it up. Try to be calm and not put him on the defensive when you do talk to him but at the same time make it clear that this behavior is not acceptable to you.
Posted May 30, 2007 9:10 AM
Earlene...that is all just silly fantasy talk. He should NOT be doing that, but I think it is not serious. He is not involved with another woman...that was just sex talk. I don't pick up anything REAL in there.
Granted, I would be furious if my guy was saying all that shit, though.
Posted May 30, 2007 7:08 AM
no i'm not the jealous type.
here is the conversation:
jay: hey sexy what you doing up?
dusty: talking to you
jay: lol
jay: where mitch at?
dussty: sitting right here beside me
jay: hey there
jay: so you been being good?
dusty: yes r u
jay: lol have to
dusty: now why do you have to
jay: dont any time to be bad
jay: now days
dusty: lol
jay: all ways working
dusty: lol
jay: and dont have any one to be bad with lol
jay: now
dusty: you have earlean
jay: i know
jay: thats it huh?
dusty: well
jay: well what?
dustyrosefrmla: wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
jay: welllllllllllll whattttttttttt
dusty: =((
jay: i know you was trying to be bad the other night
dusty: when
jay: when you and mitch was playing around on the bed
dusty: ohhhhhhhh ok
dusty: well you could of joined us
jay: lol
jay: what would have happion
jay: huh?
dusty: what ever you wanted to happen
jay: o ok
jay: and what about you
dusty: what about me
jay: what did you wont
dusty: you
jay: really
jay: well why dont you try anything with me
jay: 1st?
jay: just asking?
dusty: you need to try first
dusty: earlene not reading this is she
jay: no y
jay: its all cool
dusty: r you sure
jay: but where will i sleep?
dusty: yes u do u can come and stay with us
jay: lol
dusty: with me
dusty: welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
jay: what about mitch how would he feel about all that?
dusty: he told me to tell you
jay: o ok
jay: danm
dusty: you both can share me lol
jay: lol hummmmmm
jay: and your daughter would freak
dusty: sooooooooooooooo
jay: couse you know shes going to ask
dusty: then you can have her
jay: like she would wont me
dusty: well she might you never know
jay: what the day are night she ask where was i sleeping at?
jay: ok well im going to bed
jay: got to work
jay: ill talk to you latter i hope
dusty: ok goodnight
dusty: talk to you tomorrow
jay: if anything chet chat with earlene
jay: shes on i think
Posted May 30, 2007 6:10 AM
It's hard to say, Earlene, without hearing his side. Perhaps you have been too clingy, needy, smothering. Are you jealous and suspicious by nature? Accusatory? These are all very unattractive traits.
It might be too late if he has already decided it is over.
Posted May 30, 2007 5:19 AM
I just found out by getting on my hubby's computer that he is planning on leaving me for someone else what do i do.I pay him attention all of the time.I'm the type of person that loves to touch and be touched and he doesn't hardle do anything.the only time i get hugged or kissed is when i go to him or he's going to bed.what should i do?
Posted May 30, 2007 4:56 AM
Earlene should be married to Frankie. LOL "'''and they romped happily ever after."
Posted May 30, 2007 4:45 AM
My Husband never seems to want sex anymore.I want sex at least twice a day and also he doesn't pay me any attention like he did when we first got together.and I cannot continue handling the rejection. I am on the edge of leaving, even though I do not really want to. Where do I go from here?
He doesn't give me the affection like he did when wewere dating.We have been married for 6 yrs.After three months of us being married it all changed what should i do now?
Posted May 30, 2007 1:39 AM
It is entirely possible and not at all uncommon for a couple to begin their relationship as an affair and have it become a lasting, fulfilling relationship. We all know couples like this and my bet is that there are quite a few more that we don't know about. More than a few second marriages started this way. But this does not mean it is an easy road to travel. I myself met my husband while we were both married to others. We have now been married for 15 years and remain deeply connected. The experience of the lack of intimacy in our previous marriages makes us cherish each other even more, and the difficulties we went through to be together also strengthened our bond. I did not plan to meet my husband nor he me. Both of us were in unfulfilling longterm marriages that had never been passionate and we both had accepted that they never would be after much effort on both our parts. I would recommend that if you are in such a marriage and if you have tried to communicate with your spouse and make your needs known and have not been met with a postitive response, leave before do fall in love with someone else. It will save many people (including yourself) a great deal of agony, pain, blame and drama. If the marriage is not going to work for you, just bite the bullet and leave before you meet someone who IS right for you. Take a hard look at things, get counseling and then make a decision.
Posted May 24, 2007 4:59 PM
I didn't see Frank's comment until after I posted mine. I know it's only a few days but I will miss him.
Posted May 24, 2007 4:53 PM
I understand you all too well Chippa. It is HARD. I know you don't want to hurt her, but if you continue, you could hurt your wife and children as well as her husband and children.
I'm not sure there's anything you can say to ease the pain. When I broke it off for good with my married man, I told him I could not destroy his family. He and I both knew that what we were doing was wrong because we met in church and I told him that.
I originally came to the ThirdAge blogs because I posted on the "Help for the Other Man or Woman" blog. If you have time and want to, you can read my story and others here:
http://blog.thirdage.com/?p=602#comment-141207
A lot of the people there - mostly women but a few men - had a hard time letting go. But, the ones I kept in touch with have all made the break and moved on to better things and relationships.
Once again, we're here for you.
Posted May 24, 2007 4:42 PM
Sunnygirl, you didn't get carried away
you were open and honest. I'd like to thank you and Chippa for your condolences. The Holiday weekend will put arrangements off until next week. Chippa, all I can say about your situation is please give more thought and consideration to your wife and your friend's husband and children. If you are really going to pursue this course, please be up front with your wife and end your marriage with respect before consumating your love for this other woman. You can never undo the deeper hurt if you don't end either your marriage or this attraction properly. You've given this problem some thought, so please continue to do so. I'm out of here until next week. Bye All...
Posted May 24, 2007 3:36 PM
Sorry Frank didn't mean to be so self absorbed....my deepest condolences and heartfelt sympathies for your loss.
Posted May 24, 2007 3:00 PM
Frank, you are right. The topic hit too close to home and I got carried away. I won't say any more unless Chippa specifically asks me for advice.
So sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. You are right in that she is at peace. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
Posted May 24, 2007 2:20 PM
Sunnygirl, if Chippa posted here to get some sincere advice I feel he has gotten plenty. You and Jude have given him you open hearted advice and I was respectful and honest as well. What he does is up to him and him alone, his friend will only influence him if that's what he really wants. I won't be posting for a few days because my Mother In-Law passed away this morning after many years of serious ilness. I consider this a kindness from God that she is at peace and no longer suffering. I wish you all a happy and safe holiday weekend. Take care.
Posted May 24, 2007 2:09 PM
Chippa - I agree with Frank and Jude. But I already know what is going to happen when you tell your colleague you want it to be over. She is NOT going to tell you to stop loving her. She is NOT going to say "you're right, we're wrong, we need to end things." She IS going to say that you are meant to be together and she will probably be pissed once she sees that you are for real (if you are.) Then she is going to set out to make you pay for dumping her.
"But I thought she loved me!" No way, Chippa - she does not love you. Love does not have to hide. Love doesn't want to hurt anyone else or want you to do anything to hurt someone else. Love does not make you feel immoral (your words.) Love is not an obsession. Love is there in good times and bad.
I used to post on a website for those involved in affairs with married people and I learned how these affairs work. This woman is not healthy for you. This woman is a drug. You are addicted. When you try to leave her alone, you are going to feel the withdrawal symptoms and you falsely believe that's a signal to stay. But it's not. As I have said before, it's better to hurt now than be ripped apart later. I know it's so so hard for you to let go. But you know it's the right thing to do. And the right thing, is usually the hardest.
Chippa, I think you're caught up in the romance of all this. You and your friend have shared a lot of good times together. But as someone once told me, a good way to determine someone's character is to "shake the tree." How does she react when you do something she doesn't like? What will she do when you tell her it is over? Someone of good character would say it is the right thing to do and she would not want to hurt her husband, your wife or the kids. In my experience, most people don't do that.
I would listen to Frank and Jude. I have and I know they speak from experience. Like I've said before, I've been down this road you're on. The sooner you stop, the better off you'll be.
I wish you the best. Feel free to talk to us any time.
Posted May 24, 2007 2:07 AM
Chippa... STOP. You are going to be setting BAD, BAD KARMA in motion any day now.
You are hearing the call of a MARRIED siren, who is probably toying with you because she gets a kick out of your obvious infatuation. Probably even laughs at you with her girlfriends. She is going to crash you on the rocks, dude.
Posted May 24, 2007 1:24 AM
Chippa, it's you life and I wish you well with it, but why leave your future and your wife's future in the hands of another married person? Please, as a faithful married man myself, I'm asking you for both yourself and your wife "Remain a good man, and STOP".
Posted May 24, 2007 12:56 AM
It's no use.....I've tried and I just can't withdraw from this relationship. I really do love my colleague! It's Wednesday and I went to work Monday morning determined to chill my relationship with my co-worker....yeah right.....Right back into the same pattern and routine. Coffee, lunch, downtime together, text messages, phone calls. Am I really this weak, this ammoral, this unable to do "the right thing"? I'm living a double life. Dutiful husband and flirtatious colleague. I'm determined to have a talk with my "emotional affair". I'm hoping it's all in my head....that we really can only be just friends...that she doesn't reciprocate my love, that she tells me to STOP! Then I can return to my wife and remain the good man....and just friends with my colleague. I need her to tell me to stop!
Posted May 19, 2007 3:30 AM
Frank said it best. Chippa, sounds like you're on the right track. Please stay there!
Posted May 19, 2007 12:02 AM
Amazingly enough you continue to reaffirm numerous thoughts and feelings I've conjured up recently. I know I'm struggling with millions of years of evolutionary hardwiring and instinct. Damn testosterone! As you can see I have moderate sense of humor and really needed to reaffirm things I knew and felt should be true. This Reaffirmation has been cathartic for me at some level. In other words.....I guess I just needed to hear it in some other's words! Thanks again! Can't wait til wifey gets home!!!haha
Posted May 18, 2007 11:47 PM
Chippa, I'm glad you did not get upset with me and it was never my goal to insult you. You and I like most married men are trying to live dual lives to a certain degree, hormones, evolution and whatever else drives us to be sexual instills that craving to be sexual with any number of women, while at the same time society is expecting us to conform to marriage, monogamy and the domesticated life of a modern man. You are at odds with yourself because you are human, and we are complex beyond our vows and good intentions. I really hope you can use your intellect to rein in the beast that threatens to ruin all you and your wife and achieved. Use a daily positive affirmation, repeat a mantra if necessary but talk to yourself and be prepared for the constant battle of natural instinct in conflict with the intellectual reasoning of a modern man. Best of luck.
Posted May 18, 2007 11:24 PM
You are telling me everything I already knew to be truly "right". I appreciate your kindness in doing so. More often than not I find that people will launch an all out attack on married people who are going through this type of "test". This IS a defining moment and a test of my love for my wife. You are right, she deserves nothing less than my total devotion and quite frankly, my adoration. Why doesn't my heart understand this? What's with this obsessive behavior? I'm really not an obsessive person otherwise. As far as distancing myself from my colleague, that can't happen, circumstances won't allow it. Not my call or option there. But otherwise I will take your advice and put my efforts totally towards the beautiful wife and life we share.thank you you really have been helpful.
Posted May 18, 2007 10:09 PM
Chippa, copy your post and put my name on it. Now imagine I am you and you are reading about my dilemna for the first time. Would you think the most powerful and defining statement was when I said " The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife" and then how I described our beautiful family and all the rest? Would you tell me passion can be sparked again when both people are committed to the relationship and not chasing after other love interests? Would you tell me "Frank, a good and noble husband as you say you are would have no problem ending the romance and living up to his hype?".
Chippa, you are obviously and well educated and intelligent man who has put a lot of thought into this complicated matter. I honestly think we have moments in our lives that define who we truly are, not who we think ourselves to be. This my friend is one of those moments, do you truly love your wife above all else? If so you must prove that to be true through your actions, however if you decide to pursue your colleague then all you said was smoke and mirrors without substance. Fight for the woman who has been such a good wife and mother, fight to revive your romance and for God's sake no matter what it takes distance yourself from this other woman! If you and the woman you love so much can survive this event, I strongly suggest you limit your contact with the opposite sex. Your judgement is blurred and your affection unstable to be tested as it was. You say you know what the right thing is? Then stop playing games and do it right now.Hold your wife in your arms tell her how much you cherish the loving wife and mother she has been and how you want the rest of your lives to be the stuff dreams are made of. If your colleague has any respect for your family and hers, she will do the same with her husband and set an example for her children to aim for in their lives. Who are you really? Please, let us know...
Posted May 18, 2007 9:43 PM
Chippa...you need to change jobs, dude.
And take your wife on a romantic cruise. (or such.)
Posted May 18, 2007 9:08 PM
The real dilemma is that I love my wife deeply. Even so there is very little passion in our married relationship. We have been together since our teen years and there is very little excitement or mystery left. I know I come off sounding selfish and this is what's giving me the most heartache. The last thing I want to do is to hurt my wife. We have a beautiful family, and I've never been unfaithful in the past. She has been wonderful wife and mother.Why is this all happening now? I'm really consumed with my colleague; sleepless nights, daydreaming, etc...I honestly don't know what I'll do, until it happens. I go to work determined to stop loving her and when I see her....my heart jumps and I become enthralled by everything about her. This has been going on for close to 8 years....I'm just so damn torn. I know what the "right thing" is and I'm not happy because I've been doing the "right thing". This is the definition of heartache. I'm stuck between being the good ,noble husband and my true feelings of all consuming love for my colleague.
Posted May 18, 2007 8:30 PM
Even when one of the parties isn't married there will be hurt, disappointment, betrayal and so on. Chippa, please think long and hard about what you want to do. I've been there. Frank gave some great advice and I hope you consider what he said.
Posted May 18, 2007 2:44 AM
Chippa, I agree that you are in love and it makes perfect sense. You and this lady have worked closely and done little things that add up to a romance. If you are clear thinking enough to admit this reality, then you should be clear thinking enough to decide what to do next. There is no point in retracing the steps which lead to this attraction and love, so focus instead on how you see your wife and what your marriage is worth. Consumating this new love would no doubt be exciting and you would either be left wanting more or with some combination of emotions including guilt if you are a man of good moral fiber. Let's assume you have allowed yourself to fall in love emotionally as you say but not sexually as of yet, there is still the opportunity to do the right thing. What is "The Right Thing"? Only you can compile the laundry list of pros and cons to answer that question, but you'd better ask and answer all the important questions honestly and objectively. Does your wife deserve losing you, what about this woman's husband and don't forget her young children, could you live with the hurt you and she would cause? I consider myself both a passionate and romantic man, and I think given the opportunity I could love and be in love with several women, however I refuse to give myself the opportunity. You may have had no chance to prevent what happened between you and this other woman, what started out as job related interaction slowly lead to a blossoming mutual attraction and love. It happened ,and giving you the benefit of the doubt you did not see it coming and were unable to stop it. The question back to you is what do you do now that you are clearly aware of what happened, why and what will happen if you continue this behavior to a physical and sexual level? I don't envy your situation, love is beautiful, exciting and so much more but when you and the other person are married to other people there will be hurt, disappointment,betrayal and so much more that is the opposite of love's beauty. Best of luck in making the right decision, whatever that happens to be.
Posted May 18, 2007 1:17 AM
I'm a 48 male and I've been married for 23 years. High school sweethearts. Three grown children. My problem is I think I'm in love with a married colleague 40 years old, (2 young children). We've worked closely together now for 8 years. We take extended coffee breaks together and also have lunch together every day. We text and email each other daily, and we have met over the summer during vacations and we have also purchased small gifts for each other. We have never been physical other than the occasional hug goodbye. Our spouses do not know about our friendship. At one point I considered her a very close friend. Now it seems i crave to be with her constantly. I'm really torn between my wife and this relationship . I've done extensive reading and it seems as though i'm having an emotional affair. Can anyone offer advice. i'm really struggling with myself and my emotions.
Posted March 21, 2007 10:43 PM
LOL @ Joanie. Ummm, that story has more to it... I've always been, shall we say, eccentric. The people in that little town decided I was a witch.
One day, the Telephone guy's WIFE comes to my door....she tells me that her marriage isn't doing so well....and she wants me to concoct her a LOVE SPELL! That was when I ended it with him. No more ringing his bells!
Posted March 21, 2007 10:21 PM
Oh Jude, you really got your WIRES crossed. I guess he was just a great INSTALLER. Oh stop me, I'm a runaway hot wire.
Sunny, you are right about Jimmy the Greek. People make comments about someone, meaning it complimentary and then people get all PC and dissed over it. Sometimes an apple is just an apple, ya know? Every culture has things that they are good about and bad about also, like Irish/drunks, etc. There is some truth in some of those negatives but we can't just paint those negatives with such a broad brush.
I am so thankful for all of you people who write here. You really make my day....and night. And I want to commend Jed, who has the best website. He is hands on. Get back, Jude! ;-) I'm cracking my own self up here.
Posted March 21, 2007 6:06 AM
Ann, like I said in an earlier comment, I MIGHT give this dog ONE more chance. ONE!!!!! I'd make his life miserable first, though. I'd make him beg, plead and promise. Then I would tell him, "I will let you come back one day at a time. You even twitch suspiciously and it is absolutely over."
Posted March 21, 2007 2:51 AM
Yeah, I knew it. lol Frankie admits it! Frankie knows it, too!
Frankie...I gotta confess...back when I managed to get myself stuck in a little town in the midwest.....I did the hunky Telephone Man!! He came to install my phones, and it was lust at first sight. Went on for about a year after that, too. In fact, later when I got married again, during the ceremony he drove his truck round and round in the church yard tearing it up!!
Posted March 21, 2007 1:20 AM
Jude, I'm sorry to say that after all I have read, heard of and seen of other men I believe we are all capable of cheating given the right circumstances. I've been faithful so far but I've also only been tested a couple of times and nothing lately. Sure, it's relatively easy to remain faithful if you stay away from places where people get stupid, like bars or clubs and if your not in close contact with the opposite sex at work. When I was a telephone man there were times they needed some of us linemen to do repair work and I was in many homes with several enticing women, however I always remained true to my wife. I can't imagine how celebrities, people with huge egos to begin with remain faithful when there are members of the opposite sex literally throwing themselves at them. A few years back I had an attractive female neighbor invite me for a swim, it would have been just the two of us, and I predicted nothing good resulting from the two of us alone in that pool. I declined! Getting back to your theory, I sadly agree and hope I will always have the clarity of thought and unwavering love to do the right thing.
Posted March 20, 2007 11:13 PM
Jude: That's not tell tales signs because my man was none of those. He was just very good being deceiving.
Every time we would come home he would check the caller ID. I commented on it to him numerous times but he said he was just checking to see if my boyfriend called while we were away (jokingly). Anyway, after checking the caller ID today for the past several days since he has been gone, I found the following: It appears as though he called the house when he knew no one would be home from his cell phone. I wonder if you can delete caller id calls from a remote area. Then I also found a number the morning I booted him out that was unfamiliar to me. Any idea how to find a name and address to that number? I already checked the whitepages search and it only came up as a local home phone.
I know I should just let it drop and stop making myself hurt more by finding out more information. However, I feel like I have to find out anything there is to find out or I might become weak and ask him to come back. I miss him terribly. Sleeping is miserable and impossible. I wish I could skip over a month or so.
Then I start thinking about taking someone up on an offer to go out for a drink. He asked me out several months ago and I declined because I was committed. I know I need time to heal before doing that, but I also know it would help me through this tremendously. Not a new relationship, just someone to hang out with. What am I saying, I couldn't even imagine being worth anything to anyone going out. I can't even think straight, yet alone be any fun.
I'm all alone this week too (my son goes to my X's house every other week). That's definately not helping me. I have to come home to an empty house.
He called me just a few minutes ago, just to see how I was. (I didn't tell you that I found out I had skin cancer the day after learning of his affair). Anyway, he just called to see how I was. I knew he was going to call because one of his friends called me to tell me they told him he should call me because he was upset. Anyway, just small talk and very short conversation. I asked him if I were to call any of these phone numbers that have showed up on the caller id, would I get another person he was having an affair with. He said no. Then I said well I just wanted to ask because I wouldn't want to get some jealous husband pissed off because of my phone call. I could hear him start to cry and then he just said he had to go and he loved me, he hung up.
I shouldn't have even answered the phone, should I? I'm so lost.
Posted March 19, 2007 8:35 PM
Ann...I am not sure there is a way to tell if a man will be faithful. Of course, there are certain Red Flags to beware of...a guy who eyes the women all the time; a guy who flirts, or fancies himself a Ladie's Man. Guys who are always feeding their own egos. Guys who are Girl Magnets.
I believe that almost ANY man...given ample opportunity, and secure that NO ONE will know, will sneak a little walk on the wild side. Beautiful enticing girl/ecstacy promising come-on, no way he'll get caught....yep, most of them will fall. Their ego, and their willy demand it! LOL
Now, let's watch Frankie yelp at me over this one!! LOL
Posted March 18, 2007 9:02 PM
Ann, I'm sorry to say something that was so confusing and impossible. I meant to say you need to let this man go and find someone who will not hurt you, however there is no crystal ball or test to determine these things. Men and women who want to justify their bad behavior will find no shortage of excuses, but in the end they are exercising their free will to be sexual with another person outside of their relationship and without the knowledge of their partner. I agree with Jude that there were no vows exchanged but you were under the impression your relationship was exclusive. I try not to think of other women as potential sex partners and fantasize, I don't spend time in bars, get drunk and lose my sense of right and wrong, but there are still no guarantees. It is heartbreaking to think everything is going well and have your world and confidence shattered. This was a wake up call for you, and it hurts like hell. Maybe the guy does love you but his ability to control his desires was not under control. Maybe it will take this loss for him to wake up and realize he lost a great lady because he was weak. I want to clear up something you said earlier and it speaks to how different men and women. I know I'm generalizing here so please don't take it personally but some women think because they have great sex with their partner, he is satisfied and everything is safe. That is not always true, because having sex doesn't always curb a man's appetite but rather stimulates it for more sex. I remember having great sex with my wife in the evening and then again the following morning. I showered and went to the gym where I saw some shapely women exercising in their form fitting outfits. I was kind of shocked and disappointed in myself that I was having sexual thoughts about those women. I did not pursue my sexual thoughts, but I remember thinking to myself "you just made love to your wife twice in the last ten hours, why would you be thinking such thoughts?". I post on a site called Vulvodynia.com, because my wife has a problem with thinning skin of the vulva. Many of the women there cannot have sex without pain and some can't have sex at all, as a result many doubts about whether or not their husbands will cheat or leave them all together. I understand their concerns and at the same time I have seen so many married couples around me divorce and to the best of my knowledge there were other factors involved. In my opinion a woman can have stunning good looks, be a passionate lover, great mother to her husbands children, great cook and homemaker and income provider as well and still not have any guarantee whatsoever that her partner will not cheat. That is sickening but I think it's true, you just can't predict, prepare or prevent the behavior of another person. Ann, I'm not suggsting you rush out and get hurt again but please don't give up on love and the hope that you will find a good man among the frogs. There are men out there who have been hurt too and they need to give love another chance as well. Best of luck.
Posted March 18, 2007 7:48 PM
Okay Frank, so can you tell me how I can tell if someone will be faithful to me? I guess if I used the basis of not to date someone who had ever been unfaithful. However, most men will not tell their dates about their infidelities.
I guess it doesn't matter at this point, because I really need to stay away from any type of relationship for a long time. I can't deal with any more devastation in my life right now or in the near future. Thanks for your advise.
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