Getting Married in Midlife: What ThirdAge Women Want

Contrary to popular belief, not all single ThirdAgers want to get married. In this four-part series, Tom Blake, author of Finding Love After 50, explores why many midlife women prefer to stay unmarried; what it would take to get them down the aisle again; relationship arrangements that serve as alternatives to marriage; and finally, men's attitudes on matrimony.

Some ThirdAge women will never get married. Yet another 45 percent of female respondents to a recent survey indicated that they would be willing to take a walk down the aisle. Here are the main reasons that these women give for wanting to get married:

Sharing
ThirdAge women want sharing the most.

Jan from Atlanta said, "The longing deep, deep inside to be in a marriage is still there. I loved being married, sharing/living life with a good man."

Lisa, 57, of Burbank, Calif., wrote, "I have a house, no kids and a good job, but what I'd really like to have is someone to share all the good things with me."

"I own my home and have a decent employment record," said Nan from Michigan. "I'm willing to share all this with a partner, but the key word is 'share.'"

Susan, also from Michigan, added, "A 6-year-old cat simply cannot take the place of a lifelong mate."

Teresa said, "There is no greater joy than sharing a home and a commitment. Just to know there is a special someone who you can hold onto in the night when the thunder rolls and the boogie man comes out from under the bed. I choose to share my heart and my space."

"I want a complete, whole relationship, where two people come together as whole people, with the desire to share themselves with one another," said Carmela from New Jersey. "This does not mean dependency, but to live together with total intimacy and commitment -- loving, trusting, respecting and being vulnerable."

Patricia, 58, of Sylmar, Calif., stated, "Doing what I want to do when I want to do it and being in control of my own life are no longer important to me. I like taking care of a man, and being nurtured by and spending time with someone I'm committed to."

Intimacy
ThirdAge women also value intimacy highly.

From Darlene, 54, of Oklahoma: "I want intimacy, which includes sex, knowing and caring. It's cooking together, curling up and sleeping together, sharing spontaneous humor, praying together and caring about each other's families. Having day-to-day intimacy with a man would be well worth giving up a little control over my space, time and budget."

Jillene of North Hollywood, Calif., said, "I miss hearing '... and I'd like you to meet my wife.' Sexuality is heightened when you love and say out loud to God and everyone, 'I want to spend the rest of my life together.'"

Belinda from Las Vegas said, "I want to remarry when I find the right man. I enjoy the daily companionship of marriage and like coming home to someone at the end of the day, and most of all I want that warm body in bed next to me. I want sexual intimacy on a daily basis. Passion is life -- and I believe it never ends."

Feeling Important
For some women, being treated right and feeling important were the top considerations.

Laura said, "I would love to marry a man who wants only me. One that doesn't constantly turn his head to look at other women. Through marriage, I can be there for someone else while getting my needs met as well. I'm sort of a lady-in-waiting, and I'll know if and when I'm ready."

Lois, 57, of St. Louis shared, "I'm ready to go back into the ring. I want to be with someone who can ask the kinds of questions of me that I might forget to ask of myself. If I met the right man for me, you couldn't keep us apart. I'd be all over him (figuratively) like a cheap suit."

Kit of Milwaukee said, "The man of my dreams would treat me like a queen, as he would want to be treated like a king. He would be kind, considerate and not try to change me or my children to suit his idea of what married life should be."

Hopeful, Yet Cautious
While many ThirdAge women are open to getting married for the reasons mentioned above, at the same time they are proceeding with caution.

Carol of California said, "I'm willing to compromise on the small things (where we go on vacation or toilet seat left up), but not on larger issues -- how he treats me and other people, and whether he handles his money wisely. I won't make myself vulnerable to financial ruin and won't sell my condo."

Ellen of Indianapolis wrote, "The man would have to be my equal, financially stable, healthy and not a couch potato. It would take someone extremely special to take me away from my life as it is now and the total freedom I enjoy."

Karla of California commented, "I would consider marriage, but only after a long courtship. I would need to be sure he's honest, doesn't play around and has good credit."

Carlene of Honolulu wants what she had with her late husband: "My own bank account, paycheck to manage, a shared budget, joint decision-making, respecting each other's opinions, remaining best friends and confidants, encouragement to grow and for him to continue to romance and spoil me."

And finally, from Valerie of California: "I married for love the first time and would only marry again for love; but I'm more selective and my needs more specific this time around. I'm open if the right person is there."

Now that you've heard women's views on marriage, stay tuned for Part III of our series, where we'll hear from ThirdAge women on types of relationships that they seek that don't involve a marital commitment.

Tom Blake is a syndicated columnist in Southern California. To subscribe to his weekly "Finding Love After 50" newsletter, go to http://www.kickstartcart.com/app/adtrack.asp?AdID=92663.